anyone who’s been to berlin, or even read about it, knows that the art scene here is unique. there are plenty of reasons for this, which i might get into another time, but one of the ways that’s most visible to visitors or non-art-fags (i say this with the utmost of affection, and in full acceptance that i am in fact an art fag) is through the vernissage. vernissages elsewhere tend to be either (a) stupefyingly boring or (b) rammed full of people who are there largely to show one another that they can afford to buy the art and have the good taste to know whether or not they should. in other words, not very much fun at all. here, things are a little different. broadly speaking, berlin vernissages fall into one of five categories:

the local hero (a beloved local artist who’s become successful, showing in a relatively high-end space) - so crowded you can’t see the work, enormous queues for insufficient booze, everyone crammed into the hof/sidewalk chainsmoking and shouting at each other. equal parts networking and party… but somehow still good. always better if you know the artist, but the best part of these is the after-party, to which a much smaller
group of already-drunk people repair to talk bollocks and try to take each other home. these are almost always great parties, especially if certain scene miscreants/enfants terribles are around (in which case they commonly continue into after-after parties and so forth). i have come up with some of my favourite ridiculous installation ideas at these. there are still people in berlin who think i made something involving cocktail glasses and breast milk. it’s john’s fault.

the blah blah (artist from elsewhere, reasonably well known gallery, maybe even a few collectors) - boring, except for the work. sometimes. often crowded but when they are, at least there’s people there who actually care about the work as well as your usual networkers. the after parties (when they happen) are lame.

the hipster mecca (anything at the berlinische gallerie or c/o) - does what it says on the tin. best place to discover the latest trends in hipsterism. worst place ever to be if you care about the art. generally makes me wish i’d brought c4.

the wallflower (unknown artist but good work) - these feel either like funerals (if the artist isn’t local) or parties (if s/he is). also great after-parties in the latter case.

the bizarroworld (weird, often awful art in weird, often awful but also often wonderful, spaces) - full of hippies and/or hipsters who apparently don’t realise how shit the “work” is. everybody’s wasted. usually someone breaks something (often something large) by midnight. if the space is big enough there tends to be bad dancing to worse music. the only reason to go to these is the crumbling architecture, which can be stunning. or if you’re into fucking people who wear patchouli. [shudder]

so there you have it. my not in the least objective but hopefully still somewhat helpful guide to berlin art openings. you are welcome.